JESUS LOVES ME

It all started with Kiley. When I would sit and hold her and feel like every. Single. Decision I made affected that sweet baby's life for the good or for the bad. (And mostly for the bad, I believed) I felt an overwhelming sense of responsibility for that sweet girl as I'm sure most moms do. 

One night in particular, I can remember holding her in that bright orange mushroom chair we had in her room and I was crying. I was feeling particularly overwhelmed for whatever reason. Probably feeling some kind of pressure from whatever the latest advice I had read. Anyway, God laid a song on my heart. One I had loved as a child. And it spoke to me. 

I started singing that song to Kiley every night, and then every time I started feeling imperfect again. And then later in life every time she would get in trouble and be in hysterics herself. It became 'her' song. 

"He's still workin on me. To make me what I ought to be. It took him just a week to make the moon and stars, sun and the earth and Jupiter and Mars. How loving and patient He must be. He's still workin on me." 

Then came Kamden. I didn't have any intentions of making a song for each child. But, one night, Kamden had a febrile seizure at church. That's a whole other story in itself the way that God provided exactly the right people for that moment of tragedy. But, that night, through the fear,  the only song blowing through my thoughts was one my dad used to sing to me whenever I was worried. That became Kamden's song. 

"God will take care of you. Through everyday. O'er all the way. He will take care of you. God will take care of you." 

Then came the unexpected blessings of twin boys. And almost as soon as I was showing the girl started asking "what will be their song?!?" "I don't know, girls. I'll know when I know." 

And then came some very scary pregnancy complications. And two songs carried me through those sleepless nights. And I thought those would be their songs. And maybe in a way they are. But, as soon as they arrived, for whatever reason, we just started singing to them the simple tune of Jesus Loves Me. Jaxon would stop crying whenever we would sing it. And it just stuck. This first year of life I bet I've sung that song to them well over a few thousand times. 

I never intended it to be their song. And maybe a different one will emerge. But I can say that daily God uses that song to remind me that truly HE LOVES ME! He GAVE ME THESE BOYS. AND TWO BEAUTIFUL GIRLS!  

But, He gave me these boys "for such a time as this". Through the trials we have faced this year (and they haven't been few) , He has used the simplicity of that song to remind me that through it all HE LOVES ME! 

There have been too many times to count that I've sat there singing way past the time their eyes have fallen heavy and let the words wash over me. He loves me. He loves me through these trials. He shows me His love IN these trials. It's not rocket science. But it sure is deep. 

"Jesus Loves me this I know. For the Bible tells me so. Little ones to him belong. They are weak but he is strong. Yes Jesus loves me. Yes Jesus loves me. Yes Jesus loves me. The Bible tells me so."

TEN BIG MONTHS

I KNOW God gave me these boys for this season of my life. I am so in awe of how He loves us! He has changed me, redeemed me, made so many things new in my heart and given me the amazing blessing of recognizing what a JOY it is to mother these four beauties. I can truly say that I treasure my moments so much more with each of my children than ever before. Even then, I find my selfishness showing through daily as I get flustered or frustrated about the constant need or the way I view my insufficiency. BUT GOD! Each day I see those frustrations become less and less He continues to grant blessing upon blessing in those beautiful faces. I can't thank Him enough. 

I'm reading a great book right now called "Treasuring Christ When Your Hands Are Full" and it is such a beautiful reminder of the fact that God is all over this job of motherhood.  And He wants me to see Him in the day to day. Thank God for His redeeming power. I look at these boys and think of what a wonderful surprdie they were to our family. But even more so they have been instrumental in changing me on from the inside out. 

Here's to TEN MONTHS! We are EVERYWHERE! We don't sit still for a minute. Our favorite room in the house is the sister's room because we aren't allowed I go in there very often (something about small toys- but, we're small! We like small toys!) 

We are much more verbal these days saying mama and mocking sounds and screams when someone is playing with us. We cruise and we eat at least one meal a day with our hands (tho we don't get much in our mouths).  We are sleeping through the night and taking great naps these days.  Mommy is pretty happy about that.  

Here we are today. Yep, one of us is naked, only one of us is smiling, one of us is sitting in a box, the other is on the loose. This is us! 

Ten Months

In 6 short days my baby boys will be TEN months old! I am Blown away by how quickly this time has flown by. I have treasured the moments with those sweet boys! 

As of now, they are over 18 & 20 lbs., cruising around furniture, have 6 & 2 teeth with a bunch more on the way, say dada, mama, baba, and a variety of other super cute sounds, and try to stand on their own for a second... 

Jaxon fusses a lot about nothing, but, man, when he smiles and when he laughs! 😍

And Jaden smiles a lot, but, man, when he cries. 😥

These boys won my heart when I dreamed them up almost 30 years ago but I never imagined God would give me my dreams come true! 

This has been a year FILLED with heartache, but those boys and their big sisters have kept us laughing and smiling and the Lord has used them to keep us filled with joy. 

I'm so in love! 

*Jaden: the ever-happy one. It took only one shot to get this winning smile. 

*Jaxon: 15 tries and it's still a bit blurry bc it's between fussing and trying to grab the camera out of my hand! 

This is the Trial that Never Ends (sang on repeat)

Just for memory's sake, I want to remember what we've been walking through lately. It's almost laughable when things happen one right after the other. So, just since yesterday- woke up to 2 out of 3 ACs broken, a flat tire, and Jason dropped his laptop cracking the screen all the way across diagonally. 

Then, this AM, he woke up sick at his stomach and in bed all morning. The kids and I played in the living room with the connector doors shut so the babies wouldn't escape.

Well. Today we are thanking God for the broken ACs because Kiley was burning up, went to get a ponytail holder from the back of the house where Daddy was resting, and came running back with her shirt covering her face saying it smelled like gas. 

When I went back, it literally smelled like a gas spill right in our house. I yelled for Jason because, quite honestly, I was worried he had passed out from it. 

I started looking for the spill when I went out back and asked the men who are building behind our house and they said they were using petrol to clean with and would be finished soon! What?!?!? Seriously, it was SO BAD in our house. 

We immediately had to leave bc the smell had already wafted into the front of the house. So we went for a walk (girls in pjs- boys in diapers & shirts) and had lunch at a little spot about a twenty minute walk away. 

And, on the way, we thanked God that our ACs were broken which led to Kiley needed a hair band which led to discovering the smell which essentially saved our lives. ;) 

Here are some pictures from our walk. 

*afternoon nap on the go. (I won't mention that I was very hopeful to catch a nap during the afternoon nap today) 

*walking in the rain on muddy streets gives a great new design to the back of your clothes. 

*This little piggy went to market...

*This not-so-little piggy had roast beef! 

Funk

Yesterday was filled with funk. I'll be honest. I cried thru lunch and had some serious heart to hearts with God throughout the day. 

BUT, I can honestly say that I am (trying to be) thankful for the funk. It is indeed fulfilling its purpose of changing me and making me into who God created me to be. 

I do NOT hope my children or I will live life without trials. I only hope those trials will make them and me more like Him. 

And I'm coming to the realization that in every trial, God remains constant. He is still the very same God He was the day before ______________. (Fill in the blank with whatever trial you're facing.) 

I'll be honest some more. I'm tired! Mainly in the mornings before I reheat my tea five times and long before I catch a break long enough to open God's Word and catch a glimpse of His glory. But I'm reminded constantly that His glory is all around me. 

I'm amazed that I'm not more exhausted than I am. It's obviously on Him sustaining me. And yet about a hundred times a day, I let me flesh take over, my heart show all the ugly spots on my face and in my mouth. And I'm convicted. Because the truth is every drop of my life is one big picture of His goodness. Yes, even the injured husband, the sleepless nights. All of it. But especially those sweet girls and those mischievous baby boys! 

Learning to live like I believe it's a blessing is the tough part. 

Memories in the Making

I just want to remember tonight. We went prayer walking with friends. Kamden and her Friend Bella gave out flowers to passerby's which started every single conversation. And when someone was looking for a pen to jot down the number of a lady, kamden had one around her neck! 

Kiley played and played with a little girl and after walking away remembered she should have given her bracelet to her to tell her about Jesus. So we went back. And she boldly shared and then came home and started making new ones! 

I'm so thankful they are seeing the Christian life lived out. And learning to follow hard after Jesus. 

Who Did What Where When?

I don't keep baby books. I had this incredible list of every cute and funny thing the girls did and every milestone saved on my phone and a few years ago they disappeared. I don't want to talk about it. I get sad when I do. :/ 

But since then it's been hard to get started back. But, the other day I was thinking about the boys' milestones and it hit me that I can best remember theirs by where they were in the world during each big event! It's kind of crazy actually. 

Jaden rolled over in WV. Jax in India. 

Jaxon first crawled in the mountains. Jaden in Thailand. 

Jaden got his first tooth in the mountains. Jaxon in Thailand. 

Jaxon first pulled up in the mountains. Jaden in Thailand. 

It's just mind boggling the places these guys have been in their short little lives! 

Today's Roller Coaster

Today's Order of Events: 

1) Woke up and realized Jax didn't wake up at his typical 10 till 6 and went to check on him. Touched his slightly cool arm. He didn't budge. Touched his back. He didn't budge. Rubbed his back. He didn't budge. Started to yell for Jason as I literally grabbed the back of his shirt and shook with panic building up inside and... Woke him up! So much for him sleeping in. ;) I didn't mind tho because he really had me scared. Definitely the most terrified I've been over a sleeping child of mine. 

2) Day got off to a much better start after that with good playtime and both boys went down for a good nap. 

3) Jaden woke up from nap and had his first vomiting session. :/ it's so ironic how much each little guy is like his big sister. (Jaden is my mini-Kamden in so many ways) Jaden threw up and dry heaved on and off in and out of sleep for about an hour. 

4) Lots of cuddles for sweet Jaden as he got over whatever was going on inside of him. 

5) No clue what to do about lunch amidst the sickness and the cuddles. 

6) Our local delivery service and Subway to the rescue. 

7) Girls head off to art class. Jaxon takes a good nap. Jaden playing happily in the bouncy seat until I notice he is standing in a squishy pile of diarrhea.  Thank heavens Jaxon is sleeping through all of that so I could clean it up. And thank heavens that every South Asia toilet comes equipped with a sprayer! :) 

8) Bath & bottles. Always crazy. 

9) Girls come home from art and surprise me with a late Mother's Day gift. LOVE it! They had been working on a painting for me. I am so impressed and love it so much! 

What a sweet ending to the day! 

P.S. After considering a possible stomach bug (but why would he be the only one to get it) and a concussion (yes he hit his head on the floor but only from a seated position so it seemed like a slim chance but nonetheless), I'm wondering if he's not having a reaction to the oatmeal he ate for the first time today. But, who knows. We'll see. He's doing much better. 

P.S.S. The other art project was my Mother's Day gift from the boys that I got on Mother's Day! 

The painting is inspired by The Tree of Life in Revelation 22:1-6. 

Jaden during his puke fest. He was so sweet & so pathetic. 

Crazy bedtime! Jaxon crawled over to lay by Jaden...or to steal his bottle... Who knows. ;) 

The only safe place to play while I transfer babies to and from bath and get bottles etc. 

Jaden & Jaxon love Mommy too! 

Shwew! Literally never a dull moment! 

Comin' At Ya Like a Whirlwind

April 28, 2015

It's been a VERY long time since I've recorded any of my thoughts or what life has been like lately for the4cokes theCoke6Pack.  And, honestly, as I hear the chatter crying in the cribs I wonder if this one will get published either. (sidetone: I just reached up to scratch my neck, and I am literally covered in what must be baby cereal! Maybe just a little insight into what most days hold!) ;)

I don't even know where to begin.  Life has certainly been an adventure.  But how much adventure can one girl take!  There have been outstanding days and not so great days moments.  I can't say bad days because quite honestly, at the end of every day, I am thankful for it, for what it held, the good and the not so good.  Because it is all a part of the beautiful story God is writing of our lives.  And I'm genuinely thankful.

As just about everyone knows, we had an unexpected blessing come from quite the tragedy.  Jason's back surgery here in this country was unsuccessful leading to far more pain than before and the dreary thought of a possible future filled with pain and numbness.  It was decided that he needed to get back to the States for a corrective surgery.  We had such mixed emotions.  SO thankful that our babies got to meet so many amazing people whom we love, and saddened because we were brought face to face with the reality that we truly loved two places.  But, it was an amazing time, a retreat almost that we didn't realize we were so desperately in need of.  The girls saw snow, far more than their share, and had the chance to go to school! The babies were oohed and ahhed over and spoiled rotten by family and friends.  And we were spoiled too!

We came back to a host of problems as is typical to life in South Asia: broken water heaters, broken AC's, and the most daunting... TERMITES!!!!!!  So, here I sit in a hotel room waiting for our kitchen to be gutted, treated, and put back together left in shambles! (Update: 3 weeks later and our kitchen is still gutted!)

The main purpose of this blog post, though, is to remember some of the cute little quirks about, not just my boys, but my girls during this stage of life.

Kiley: Kiley tells me everything.  For which I am SO thankful.  She's had some deep hearted issues, concerns, feelings, etc that she has needed to work through recently and she brought them to me.  I am SO thankful for the GRACE God gave me in that moment to handle them as best as I knew how.  We cried together, laughed together, prayed together.  The best part... later that day even after having spent the afternoon with friends I asked her what the best part of her day was.  With a sheepish grin and a shy little voice she said "talking to you".  I wanted to cry!  She's a big helper right now too.  Not sure how we would do life without her! She's an incredible big sister, even to Kamden (most days).  Still loves to read, LOVES legos, and ADORES her baby brothers (sometimes to her demise). ;)

Kamden: Kamden pulls on my heartstrings a LOT.  There's only one way to describe Kamden and that's, well, by saying she's just KAMDEN.  On my heart for Kamden lately is just to find her nitch.  She's a super cool girl with her own sense of style, own sense of cool.  She is really a neat girl.  She has some tough moments sometimes but she bounces back and my biggest prayer for her is that she figures out well who she is and who God created her to be.

Jaden: Jaden has had a rough month.  I'm hopeful it's just teeth but the sweet boy who used to wake up smiling now wakes up screaming as if he's in terrible pain.  He wakes a couple times a night most nights.  Usually, I just have to give him a paci.  But, I'm ready for him to be back to his happy self.  He's all muscle and is just the cutest little ball of fun when he's happy.  Smiling and cooing are his expertise.  He adores his daddy.  Watching him every second that he's in the room.

Jaxon: Jax is my mama's boy.  Big time!  His big, perfectly round blue eyes and long eyelashes melt my heart!  He's a snuggler too.  He just melts right into me as I rock him to sleep for naps.  He's FULL of energy and has most recently started scooting with expertise and sitting up well too.  He sets his eye on something and there's no stopping him.  He can scoot on his tummy as far as he needs to get what he wants.

These days are FILLED to the max! We are wrapping up homeschool as best we can with two babies to take care of, Jason is busy all day most every day with lots of language time, ministry time, outreach, Bible studies, physical therapy, and also business stuff as well.  Every day is scheduled which I must say is something somewhat new for this very spontaneous soul.  But, overall, we are really enjoying our time as a family of 6 and look forward to what God has in store for our future and the future of South Asia.

-The 4 Cokes

To Know Him

I haven't been able to put into words the way I'm feeling lately. That, along with the fact that I've had a lot of shameful thoughts and feelings. But here's an effort at summing things up. 

First of all, wow! What an amazing time we had in the states. Unexpected blessings. I'm so incredibly thankful that God saw fit to allow us to return home for Jason's surgery. Our church FAMILY and biological families too ROCKED OUR WORLD! They gave. They loved. They served. Hey, they met our babies! That wasn't expected and had already been mourned by yours truly. But God provided a way! And, tho it stinks the reason we were home, we were thankful. 

Being home gave me some time to evaluate, think, and plan. It also gave me some time to throw my own little pity parties about the difficulties I was facing and whine about how I wasn't capable of carrying the load God had asked me to carry. 

But as time to return grew nearer, I began to be scared. What of? I had to really dig deep to figure it out. I was anxious about the upcoming nine months we had ahead of us. And, it finally hit me that I was overcome with a strong desire to KNOW HIM. Whether through ministry, homeschool, family life, my own personal devotions. I just wanted to dive back into a real relationship with Him (which had sadly taken the back burner to caring for twins, managing my home, caring for my family with an injured husband who usually carries so much of the weight along with me.)

Here's what I was thinking. I was so excited to walk back into those things I mentioned but with one catch: that they be picture perfect. But, I knew that was not gonna happen. So, I was anxious. 

Fast forward a couple of weeks and you'll see what I mean. We definitely came back to typical South Asia living: termites, broken down ACs, bad pipes, a broken dryer, and an unfaithful house helper.  Makes my head spin just thinking about it all. 

But, I got to thinking today about my word for the year: gracious. And I began to see that God is teaching me to be gracious. Being gracious to my children is coming along nicely. My husband, probably a little behind that honestly (usually have the tendency to take my stress out on those im closest to), but being gracious to myself is a constant battle. 

Im starting to see things I believe God is intending for me to see during this season. And I'm praying that I'll allow these trials to shape me into who He wants me to be. 

Gracious - January 6

Grace. It hit me strong in 2014. Grace carried me through some difficult transitions, a scary pregnancy, the newborn twin stage, a homeschool that I had high hopes for yet had to take a backseat to life itself, a husband who is the epitome of grace itself.

Grace. Grace. God's grace. Something I found myself being more and more thankful for as the year went on. 

And now here we are in 2015 and I'm more in need of that grace as I ever have been. 

But I'm also more convicted to offer myself and others around me that same grace. 

That's why I chose the word GRACIOUS  to be my theme this year. Because my children need MY grace to be a picture of HIS grace so they can learn more about Him. And because my husband who never stops offering grace deserves my Grace as well. And because I need my own Grace bestowed upon myself. 

Daily, actually hourly, I falter, I fail. But it's not perfection I'm in need of. It's GRACE. 

Already this morning, I've cried. I've hurt because I haven't been perfect. And I've hurt those I love the most in the process. I've even felt like quitting and then remembered... I can't! 

So I've literally had nothing more to offer than grace itself. And somehow, that's enough. 

TWO MONTHS

2 months old?!?!?!? Say what? Yep. Thing 1 & Thing 2 have not only finally passed their due date, but they are already 2 months old!!!!!! I can't believe it. 

They are, though, still much like newborns thanks to their 8 week prematurity. But, I look at it as longer to keep them little! ;) 

They should both pass 7 lbs in the coming days! The size Kamden was at birth. 

Right now, the things we notice about them is: 

-Jaxon's eyes! They're huge! Love his big eyed look like he's wowed about everything. 

-He also sleeps with his eyes open so we joke that his eyes are so big that his eyelids must not be long enough to cover them! 

-He makes the best kissy face tho it hasn't made its appearance much lately. Growing up!?? :( 

-He has to be touching someone nearly all the time. Sometimes his brother will do but sometimes only mommy or daddy can work their magic. Either way, he's definitely a cuddler and spoiled already because of it. ;) 

-Jaden's stretches and facial expressions are too cute.

-He's like the (almost) laid back baby I never had. Ironically, he came buy one get one free with a typical Cockayne baby who needs a little extra attention. So I'll never really know what it's like to have one of those newborn stages where the baby is just chill. 

Even tho I joke about their fussiness, they're all around easier babies than the girls were. That combined with the fact that mom and dad are far more laid back makes this one of my favorite seasons in life. Despite the sheer exhaustion and the million and one doctor's visits snd hospital stays. 

Happy Two Months Baby Boys! 

JAXON sleeping with his eyes open for the .5 seconds that he let me lay him down to rest this morning. ;) 

JADEN drifting off practically on his own with just a couple reinserts of the pacifier. 

The Day I Lost My Mind

I thought I should blog, on this, the last day that I had even a taste of sanity. 

After 6 straight weeks of continuous help- GiGi and then MAWMAW & PAWPAW- I will venture out into the world of parenting infant twins, homeschooling the original thing 1 & thing 2, as Jason begins a two week Hindi intensive and continues in every day life and ministry, and, believe it or not, the very same day my parents leave, my house helper takes a one month vacation for her wedding! 

So, if you don't hear from me in the next couple of days, send out a search party! 

In all honesty, Though, I am feeling confident and prepared thanks to the amazing help we had getting us started on the right foot, organized, and ready. We're gonna miss MawMaw and pawpaw's extra set of hands, but we're gonna miss their presence FAR more! 

My favorite moments were when my mom would just come and sit with me while I nursed or pumped. Always with a glass of water in hand. :) 

And when my dad made hospital stay after hospital stay with us for what seems like the most unusual trip to India one could ask for. 

It's another awesome and memorable visit for the books! And, about tomorrow...

WHAT DOESNT KILL YOU MAKES YOU STROGER! ;) 

One Foot in Front of the Other

December 5, 2014

If you'd told me a year ago all the things this year would bring I probably wouldn't have believed you. You see, going into this expat thing I always thought the one place satan would attack would be our marriage. And don't get me wrong, there were a few moments when I thought I may have been right. 

But by God's grace that's the one area of our life that has only grown stronger. I never expected satan to attack so strongly physically or in other various ways. And yet sitting where we are now: Kamden's seizures and various health issues, an uprooting, a new city, Kamden's surgery, Jason's back injury and surgery, a high risk pregnancy, lice, emergency c section, nicu stay, and now Jaxon's upcoming blood transfusion, which is terrifying, and surgery--- I believe now more than ever before that this is exactly where we're supposed to be. 

So many of you have said to me "you're so strong etc ..." But hear me loud and clear when I say 

WE ARE NOT STRONG! 

In no way are we strong. I feel WEAK. It is literally as God's word says, he offers grace for the moment that we need it. I often feel like I am simply putting one foot in front of the other. And that's all I have to offer. One foot and then the next. I can't offer any brave smile or spectacular faith, just that next step. That's all I've got. 

So just like when they said "we need to take the babies" and when they said "JAXON needs Surgery" and when they told me his hemogoblin was low and he would require a blood transfusion, and when I stepped into and then out of the car on the way to the hospital this morning to hand my baby over into someone else's care, I literally couldn't look past the very next step I had to take. 

And I guess that's it. One foot in front of the other. Because realistically I can't turn and run. That's what I want to do. I want to take my baby and run. But i would be causing him more harm than good. So we do what we must. And we realize yet again that not a drop of this is under our control anyway. 

One Month- Gumdrops & Lollipops 11-18-14

Wow. I don't even know where to begin to describe the last month of my life. Actually, were it for a different post I would have to say the last year of my life. It. Has. Been. A. Doozie.

But today I'm only recapping what I can of maybe my favorite season of life to date. 

Now, don't read that wrong. I didn't say easiest or even most enjoyable. But favorite. Favorite, not because it's been a bed of roses. Quite the opposite, actually. But because it's been real life covered with a big OL warm blanket of grace! 

These boys. These boys have changed my life nearly from the moment I knew they existed. 

And they continue to do so. They continue to remind me to remain calm. To live in the moment. To enjoy even the difficulties. Because more than ever before I realize that these precious times are fleeting.

These guys make me want to go back in time and take back all the childish temper tantrums I threw back when I would wake up five or six times a night with my girls during their first years. 

Don't get me wrong. I have already had nights filled with tears and cries of "Lord! What am I doing wrong?!?" But I've also had nights of such sweetness with my boys. Or one restless fella at a time. And the ever present phrase ringing thru my ears "Babies Don't Keep".