I hardly knew the meaning of trusting Him back then. And I genuinely hope that as time passes more I'll look back at this time in my life and feel the same way.
I thought I was trusting fully in the Lord back in those days. But in those days I had never felt my own pregnant belly stop moving when it should have been and wonder if I would ever meet the dreams that lived inside of me. I had never watched my husband suffer two years of intense back pain, undergo two surgeries, and continue to suffer intense pain and wonder what in the world God is doing through it. Nor had I fought the battle of bitterness and anger toward the very man of my dreams because of what his pain meant for me.
I thought I was going into the unknown back then but I hadn't the slightest clue what that meant.
I had never been wheeled into an operating room surrounded by people with not one single person I trusted with those babies' lives or my own in sight. At that moment, i understood what it meant to rely fully on the Lord.
I must admit tho that that isn't a one time battle to be fought. It's a daily battle to trust my life fully to the only one who has the power to raise it up again.
