To Know Him

I haven't been able to put into words the way I'm feeling lately. That, along with the fact that I've had a lot of shameful thoughts and feelings. But here's an effort at summing things up. 

First of all, wow! What an amazing time we had in the states. Unexpected blessings. I'm so incredibly thankful that God saw fit to allow us to return home for Jason's surgery. Our church FAMILY and biological families too ROCKED OUR WORLD! They gave. They loved. They served. Hey, they met our babies! That wasn't expected and had already been mourned by yours truly. But God provided a way! And, tho it stinks the reason we were home, we were thankful. 

Being home gave me some time to evaluate, think, and plan. It also gave me some time to throw my own little pity parties about the difficulties I was facing and whine about how I wasn't capable of carrying the load God had asked me to carry. 

But as time to return grew nearer, I began to be scared. What of? I had to really dig deep to figure it out. I was anxious about the upcoming nine months we had ahead of us. And, it finally hit me that I was overcome with a strong desire to KNOW HIM. Whether through ministry, homeschool, family life, my own personal devotions. I just wanted to dive back into a real relationship with Him (which had sadly taken the back burner to caring for twins, managing my home, caring for my family with an injured husband who usually carries so much of the weight along with me.)

Here's what I was thinking. I was so excited to walk back into those things I mentioned but with one catch: that they be picture perfect. But, I knew that was not gonna happen. So, I was anxious. 

Fast forward a couple of weeks and you'll see what I mean. We definitely came back to typical South Asia living: termites, broken down ACs, bad pipes, a broken dryer, and an unfaithful house helper.  Makes my head spin just thinking about it all. 

But, I got to thinking today about my word for the year: gracious. And I began to see that God is teaching me to be gracious. Being gracious to my children is coming along nicely. My husband, probably a little behind that honestly (usually have the tendency to take my stress out on those im closest to), but being gracious to myself is a constant battle. 

Im starting to see things I believe God is intending for me to see during this season. And I'm praying that I'll allow these trials to shape me into who He wants me to be.