What If?

The scene: 

I had just laid the girls down for rest time and I had gotten myself a sweet to munch on and grabbed my Bible & my Hindi book to try to get some studying done in both. 

But I was discouraged. I was having yet another case of the "what if's". "What if we'd just stayed home?" "What if we had never left?" And I was pondering the ever pressing question "What have I gotten myself into and why am I here?" 

So, I typed a quick note to some of my prayer partners: 

{Prayers as you wake up this morning. Struggling momentarily. Surely to be short-lived with adequate prayer and some time in the Word. Thanks a ton!}

I then sat, as I read a few verses from my Bible, almost frozen in this strange feeling that I couldn't figure out. I stared at the door for a good two minutes feeling like someone was going to walk in on me. I kept reminding myself the door was locked so it wasn't like I was going to be taken by surprise but I felt unsettled. As if I was waiting for someone. Little did I know, it was the Spirit inside me who was waiting for someone. 

Sure enough, a knock came on the door. It hardly caught me by surprise since I'd been waiting for it so expectantly. 

When I answered the door, I found a girl not much younger than myself accompanied by a house helper. The girl introduced herself and asked if I did tuitions in my home. Inwardly, I rolled my eyes because I thought I knew what was coming next. "Yes, I teach my own children," I replied, "but I don't teach any others. You have children?" 

"No." She said. Which came as a surprise. Turns out, she is a housewife who has made zero friends since moving here about two years ago and had come looking for a friend.

Our conversation quickly turned to Christ as I tried to explain why people do the things they do and act the way they act. Of course, after mentioning His name, she admitted she had never heard of Him! 

So, I thought "Here goes nothing!" And started into Creation to Christ. I finished with "The Bridge" Gospel presentation and, looking into her eyes, realized that she had tears. I knew immediately that she understood and that God had led her straight to my door. So, I asked her if she wanted to place her trust in this Jesus. Her response? 

"Definitely! Why would I NOT?!?" 

Wow! Chew on that for a minute and let it slap you around. 

We continued chatting and she soon admitted she had come there looking for a friend. I excitedly told her she came looking for a friend in me but found Jesus instead. 

I went back inside awestruck over what had just happened. Thanking God that only minutes after wondering why we are here, He not only showed me but allowed someone to become a child of the King through His answer! 

Praise Him that He uses us in spite of us. And cares enough to answer those silly little cries of "What if!" and "Why?" 

Please pray for my new friend.  And for me as I try to teach her Truth. It's not an easy road. 

First Day of School!

Shwew... Just taking a quick breather after a jam packed day. Today was... The first day of school! Yay!

A little background... I've been anxiously planning for this day all summer. I really felt like, at least for this season in our lives, we really needed some structure. A schedule. Some consistency. But, that's just so not me. So I've been praying over, planning, and preparing all summer. 

Well, then came anniversary, then came fever, then came up all night because of said first day of school along with crazy loud 3AM parade. Not to mention, the morning routine I created for myself was near impossible! 

BUT... I was most determined to keep a positive attitude and ENJOY this time! Which, I think I managed to accomplish! 

The day started for the girls with a new t-shirt they'd been eyeing. :) Fun! Then we got started on Bible. My plan was to skip Bible today to adequately explain the schedule and then it hit me... Where better to go to talk about plans. So, we sat and looked up verses about plans. And, nope, didn't even make it through the first day of Bible class without crying. 

Here I was stressing about the plans of homeschool and recognizing that His plans for me will succeed AND that they are far greater than my own. Good news for a first day of school! 

Then we prayed about what plans we were nervous about. Sweet Kamden whispered to me that she was excited about dance class but afraid. So we prayed. For that sweet little honest girl who loves dance with her whole heart. I just love her. 

The rest of the day was just dandy. Rushed? A little. Did I feel like I was chasing objects around and do I feel utterly exhausted now? Yes. But we all had a great day! 

Some low lights: 

-Handwriting for Kiley took longer than expected. She's learning cursive this year! But, it's challenging! And I want her to stay excited about it. So that was hard. 

-I definitely felt like I was chasing things here and there, but I know it will get more organized as we go. 

Some highlights: 

-Kamden loved her phonics time. She got to make a craft and did great on it. 

-Kiley's math is fun and great for her. She even chose to do the parts we had to skip early on because of handwriting, later in the day. 

-Teaching the little girls Math was fun and rewarding. They learn so fast. I'm excited about what all they'll pick up this year during that time. 

-Kiley is as excited as ever about reading. That's always nice! 

-For the first time in quite a while, the girls got to play outside with friends for recess! 

I'm excited about this year. Nervous still. But excited. 

Heart-Wrenching, Soul-Disturbing

The heart-wrenching, soul-disturbing cultural experience I had tonight traveling home from the train station, if seen and experienced in person, should draw Jesus followers from around the globe to ensure these people get a chance to hear of the saving love of Jesus! 

Tonight, in our city, H's lined the street to celebrate the bringing home of "holy water" from the Ganges river to pour over their statues in order to give those statues strength and power enough to forgive their sins and shower them with blessings. 

Meanwhile, M's gathered in mosques to celebrate Ramadan. We passed the open doors of an M temple and watched in awe as they performed their ritualistic prayers. 

As we drove home on these overly crowded streets, I wanted so badly to SCREAM! And, then my heart went immediately to "We need more people!" These people must hear that there is a better way... The only way! 

"If the church of God fully realized her heritage in the Gospel, she would send ten thousand fresh messengers to the farthest parts of the earth to proclaim Jesus." -John Paton

    -a water carrier proudly walks up to 125 km one way to collect water from the river to take back home to his gods. 

Proverbs 22:17

How do I get wisdom? What's the key? What's the magic formula or the secret recipe? 

If there is one, I found it yesterday when I was reading Proverbs 22:17! 

"Incline your ear, and hear the words of the wise, and apply your heart to my knowledge"

Looks to me like there are three steps:

1) Incline your ear... Prepare it. How? By studying wisdom, being around wisdom, picking the brains of the wise, praying for wisdom. 

2) Hear the words of the wise. Simply hear and listen to the wisdom that you've prepped you ears to hear. Because after prepping your ears to hear wisdom, you'll begin to hear it at work around you. 

3) Lastly, apply your heart. Apply what you've heard. 

Simple yet profound... Straight from the word. 

L-O-V-E

Last night, after a ridiculous bout with sibling rivalry and an over the top reaction from my eldest to discipline, I have to say I was a tad, no, a lot overwhelmed. My biggest pet peeve when it comes to my children is watching them interact toward one another in a negative way. I am sure I overexaggerate it at times because it really bothers me. 

Which totally hits a spiritual application and I'm able to see why God mentions loving one another so much in the Bible. How He longs for us to LOVE! And to simply love other believers. AHHHH... I feel like I totally get how He feels when I watch my girls act with such poor intent toward each other. I tell my girls all the time that the best way to show ME love is to show each other love. And, isn't that what Christ said too? "They will know you by your love"... "If you love me, feed my sheep!" OUCH! Hits home for me. 

So, last night as I sat alone after the whole ordeal and just cried and listed to the first song that came to my mind "How Great the Father's Love for Us" and began just writing out some of my feelings about the situation, and really taking blame for how they were treating each other, God whispered a verse in my ear. 

"Above all, maintain an intense love for each other, since love covers a multitude of sins." (1 Peter 4:8 HCSB)

At first, it was just for me. He was reminding me that HIS love has covered MY mistakes. 

Then, it was for me toward my kids. He reminded my that MY love for them should cause me to look past their faults and love them through it rather than trying to change them. 

Then, it became for my girls. I realized, hey, we can all glean from this verse. We can treat each other kindly because "love covers a multitude of sins"! Therefore, when I love _______, I don't notice their faults because my love covers those faults. 

And, lastly, I was reminded that love is not a feeling, rather a choice, an action. Otherwise, why would He have commanded us to love over and over again. 

So, I'm super excited because God gave me our family's theme for this coming season in our lives. My goal is that we focus on LOVE. That we learn about love. That we talk about love. That we practice love. That love becomes the center of everything we do. After all, according to this verse (and many others) love is to be ABOVE ALL, the foundation on which we stand. The root for every other "good" that we do. 

As I dive into this idea, I get a little overwhelmed, but I'm excited because I think God has a lot to teach each of us in the area of truly understanding what love is. 

So, bring on the season of LOVE! 

The God of Angel Armies

Throughout Kamden's bout with sickness, I couldn't get a particular song out of my mind. 

http://youtu.be/qOkImV2cJDg

Living in the place we do, where spiritual warfare is ever more obvious, I'll be honest, I was a little intimidated. But having faced it head on and watched as God Himself brought healing, I am reminded that He is always by my side. He goes before and stands behind. He is the God of angel armies. Whom shall I fear? 

"Whom Shall I Fear" Chris Tomlin

You hear me when I call

You are my morning song

Though darkness fills the night

It cannot hide the light

Whom shall I fear

You crush the enemy

Underneath my feet

You are my sword and shield

Though troubles linger still

Whom shall I fear

I know who goes before me

I know who stands behind

The God of angel armies

Is always by my side

The one who reigns forever

He is a friend of mine

The God of angel armies

Is always by my side

My strength is in Your name

For You alone can save

You will deliver me

Yours is the victory

Whom shall I fear

Whom shall I fear

I know who goes before me

I know who stands behind

The God of angel armies

Is always by my side

The one who reigns forever

He is a friend of mine

The God of angel armies

Is always by my side

And nothing formed against me shall stand

You hold the whole world in Your hands

I'm holding on to Your promises

You are faithful

You are faithful

And nothing formed against me shall stand

You hold the hold world in your hands

I'm hold on to your promises

You are faithful

You are faithful

You are faithful

I know who goes before me

I know who stands behind

The God of angel armies

Is always by my side

The one who reigns forever

He is a friend of mine

The God of angel armies

Is always by my side

I know who goes before me

I know who stands behind

The God of angel armies

Is always by my side

The one who reigns forever

He is a friend of mine

The God of angel armies

Is always by my side

The God of angel armies

Is always by my side

A Simple but Fun Day

We had a really great day! And accomplished a lot simultaneously. Jason found an avenue for language worth trying, I finished the bookshelf, studied Hindi, & baked a lot! We had a morning play date with Kamden's friend, Joy, because Kiley got to spend the week with friends while we were at the doctor. But this evening we had a ton of fun playing "mystery" (Kiley's idea because she's been reading some kid mystery books). The picture below is of the suspects and the guilty! Once Jason got home, he jumped right into action making up a real mystery for the girls to solve. Of course, I ended up as the "bad guy". And, we bought a little car for the girls to ride around on the roof. Sadly, it turned out far too cheap to actually use outside, but the girls absolutely LOVE it on these marble floors! It really was a fun day! 

168 Hour Intensive

One week ago, I posted the following status on Facebook: 

"I don't remember signing up for a 24 hour intensive on "Lessons from the Holy Spirit" but boy was I on a crash course today!"

Today, that should read "168 hour intensive"! Since that update, I have experienced Kamden having two febrile seizures, an ER visit, a PICU stay, an innumerable amount of hallucinations, a passing out, an EEG, an MRI, and a 7 day fever. 

What to make of all of this? Throughout the week, I felt strong. Not strong in myself, but strong in The Lord. I felt like I was being carried, as I've felt so many times in the past year or so. But what was it all worth, if from here I do not take something from it?

The week before, I had received such inspiration and instruction from The Lord. I made a list of thing in my life that needed work. I was ready to get started right away on the new and improved me. But it was not to be so without trials. After all, aren't we purified by fire, not by a life of ease? 

So, how has this week changed me? Number one, I am more personally aware of spiritual warfare and what that really looks like. I have, for the first time in my life sat over my sleeping child and commanded in Jesus' name that the sickness come out of her. I have heard her cries after being disoriented and known that only God could truly comfort her in that time. 

Number two, I have prepared myself for the worst, yet had to come to terms with knowing that I may never know exactly what happened this past week. Which is hard, really hard. I like answers. Clear explanations. Reasons for things. But God doesn't promise answers. And I have to be thankful for that. 

Number three, I have been reminded of the body of Christ and how it functions on our behalf. Because of time differences, Kamden had prayers going up for her night & day. Our team leaders jumped into action more than once and have taken Kiley in for the past four days. Others friends drove over an hour just to pray over Kamden. 

Number four, I was reminded that, on my own, I am entirely incapable of raising these two sweet girls. That, often, God has to work in their lives IN SPITE of me rather than through me. 

Number five, go ahead, tell God your plans, and then sit back and watch and HIS plan unfolds. Because, honestly, He is sovereign. He is in control. We are His masterpiece. Who are we to tell Him what we will do or what our lives will look like. 

And, so, it's with much care that I say, "bring on whatever's next!" Because I know now how dangerous those words can be. Yet how rewarding. And how life-changing. 

Two Surprises

Two interesting things have taken place since having moved to South Asia. Two things that, if I'm honest, I never dreamed would happen. 

1. While spending a week away from this culture, I actually found myself mentally covering my head while I prayed. I missed that dupatta when I thought I'd never  have a single positive thing to say about it. It's a great feeling of respect for God when I cover my head in humility toward Him when I pray. It was the strangest thing when I realized "I miss that thing!" I certainly HATE wearing the thing around, but apparently I do love the way it makes me feel when I go to pray and I can physically humble myself before The Lord. 

2. The second thing that I never saw coming was the way I feel when I scroll through pics on Facebook of girls in their bikinis. I am suddenly embarrassed for them! I think I have attained a sickness called "skin shock" where I am flabbergasted by the amount of skin people are willing to show the whole world. Save something for your future husbands, sweethearts! The whole world doesn't need to see your every nook and cranny! 

Apparently, it's happening, whether I intended for it to or not. This place is changing me little by little. 

He Makes All Things New

I recently had someone sort of reprimand me for a decision I had made in the past that could not be revoked and that I had no control over now that it was over and done with. 

That hurt. It frustrated me and gave me somewhat of a chip on my shoulder toward that person. 

Fast forward a few weeks. God clearly reveals to me that I am guilty of doing that exact same thing. To myself. All the time. I live under the guilt of the mistakes I've made and I beat myself up over things I simply can't change. 

Not any more. My God is a redeeming, renewing God who makes all things new. I don't have to tear myself up over my past mistakes. He is sovereign. Those mistakes are there to refine me and make me more into the likeness of His Son. And so, I'll praise Him for those moments and recognize that they're all a part of His story for my life! 

Bursting

Does anyone else ever just feel like they are bursting with emotion. (Maybe it's the caffeine in the cup of chai I had just now) but I don't think so. 

Sometimes my heart is SO overwhelmed with random emotions that I feel like dancing, bursting, crying, shouting, all at once! 

Am I crazy? I don't think so. Crazy about my life? Yes. Crazy about the God of this universe who created me, loves me, died for me... Yes. Crazy about my crazy husband? Yes. And my absolutely breathtakingly precious girls? Yes. My life? I mean... Sometimes I have to stand still in my tracks and consider pinching myself to make sure it's real. 

Simultaneously, it's hard. Really hard. Sometimes just a slight glimpse of even just the GRASS in my parents' front yard makes me freeze. I scan photos of my home church, too, looking for every. single. detail. In an effort to take it all in. And for a brief moment in time feel as if I'm actually there. 

Then I snap back into reality and smile just the same. Because it is good. It is all good. And with the pain, comes the triumph. And with the hardships, comes the victory. Small as they may be. And may we never know them this side of Heaven, I can rest assured that my life is in His hands. And that in itself is a victory. A major victory. 

Ten Things I LOVE About This Place

1) I love the animals.  Animals, animals, & more animals! They are EVERYWHERE! They still light up my girls' eyes 8 months in. 

2) I love the surrealism.  Is this really my life??? Every.  Single.  Day.  Brings a new adventure.  WIthout question, every day I experience something that makes me laugh out loud, something that makes me want to cry, something that makes me cringe, something that makes me want to scream, something that makes me fear for my life, something that disgusts me... and the list goes on.  There is truly never a dull moment and I love that.

3) I love that this place is literally indescribable.  There is NO other place like this one.  

4) I love the challenge.  This life is, by far, the most difficult challenge I've ever faced.  Recently, I had a major meltdown.  I had put on myself the pressure of it all.  And, right as I was literally crashing to the floor in a defeated slump, I clenched my fists, stomped my foot, and said "I CAN DO THIS!"  Later, I realized that the closest thing I could compare to how I felt at that moment is childbirth.  I know, strange.  But, really!  Only, childbirth lasted no time at all in comparison to the challenge that lies before me.  That of a lifetime.  

5) I love the language.  I know, I'm weird.  But, I do.  I enjoy learning and speaking Hindi.  It's fun!

6) I love when the power goes out during worship and no one skips a beat.  Just as loudly as they were belting it out before, they continue, like nothing ever happened.  It's powerful.  And I love worshiping here.

7) I love the simplicity.  The fact that everyone naps in the afternoon.  No excuses.  The fact that everyone trusts everyone in some strange way to pay later if you don't have exact change or to do a service for you and you don't have to pay ahead.  The fact that my clothes are ironed on the side of a dusty street by someone called a 'press wala', that I pick my veggies out at the local 'subzi wala', that Jason hand delivers the photos we want developed right down the street and it costs pennies, the fact that if you're walking down the road and you're thirsty, just be patient, someone will invite you in for snacks and a drink in no time.  

8) I love the fact that when people worship Jesus Christ, they truly worship Him.  With ALL that they are.  They know and understand the true meaning of sacrifice.  And they love Him all the more for it.

9) I love that at the end of each day, having just lived life is an accomplishment in itself.  

10) I love that just our very presence here brings light into a dark world.  Psalms 139:11-12 says, "If I say, 'Surely the darkness will hide me, and the light around me will be night' even the darkness is not dark to You. The night shies like the day; darnkess and light are alike to You." And yet, He's called us here to do so much more.  But, maybe that's the point.  That first, living our lives out loud and being immersed into a lost and dying culture is just the ticket to being able to do so much more.  

I love our country.  I really do.  I love that around every corner is a reminder of why we're here.  And that this place is changing me.  Or, better yet, that Christ is changing me in this place.  Big time.  Changing me? Is that why I came? Maybe so.  So that, having been changed, He can, in turn, use me to help to change this place.  

Final Week in the Mountains

We've been up here in this beautiful part of the country for almost six weeks now. God's creation here truly is beautiful. There are definitely plenty of things that frequently remind us we are still in quite the interesting country, but the touch of comfortableness has been refreshing.

It has also opened my eyes to what a very difficult city we live in. Which makes me nervous as to my reaction upon going back at the end of the week. I'm nervous about my attitude, my level of culture shock all over again, my girls and the lack of opportunities, the heat. All selfish worries but worries nonetheless.

I'm not gonna lie, during my time here I've questioned God a number of times on why He placed us in the city He chose. Especially after visiting the city which was our original destination. And every time I second guess His wisdom, I am reminded that He has a purpose and a plan for our lives. That purpose doesn't include the comforts of multitudes of like-minded people coming and going, or cute little coffee shops that play Christian music, or the comfort of western style clothing being acceptable. The minor comforts didn't fit His overall goal for my life. And so, with joy (I hope) and my hands toward the plow, I return to the place we call home and the people we are called to reach, hopefully with a renewed vision that its certainly not about my selfish desires. That's not why I'm here. And if it were, you'd find my on the first plane home. Instead, I AM on my way home. Just on my way to my home away from home.

Breakfast of Champions

Written in March 2013 while in the mountains. Never actually posted until now. :)

Just something comical that's on my mind. Something that, surprisingly, I actually find myself enjoying.

Before I left the States, my biggest concern about living in a foreign land was "How am I ever going to learn to feed my family?" I was really terrified. Anxious to get it right and do it well. So I prayed about that one concern quite a bit.

Much to my surprise (shouldn't be surprised at the way God always answers even our smallest of needs), I have found great joy (most days) in feeding my family. It's proven to me that I work better under pressure and secretly enjoy a challenge.

So, this morning Kamden asked for a simple slice of Nutella toast. In America, with my big toaster oven, diswasher, and spreadable butter, it may have taken 3 minutes max. Actually, I take that back, I probably would have tried desperately to persuade her to go back to sleep...it wasn't time to wake up yet...I probably would have lazily gathered the supplies, while checking facebook, turning on the tv or something else to keep her occupied while she waited, probably gone ahead and gotten dressed, put on my make up, and after 10-15 minutes (or more) lazily wandered to the kitchen to get what should have taken less than five minutes to accomplish.

Here, on the other hand, I laughed out loud as I realized the steps required to make her a piece of toast. And by the time breakfast for everyone was complete, this is what I had done:

-uncovered the fresh homemade bread that had been sitting on the counter overnight.
-sliced a couple pieces for each of us with a dull knife and no cutting board.
-warmed up the skillet and added a touch of butter because the toaster this place does have is trash.
-warmed two pieces at a time. No more will fit.
-set them out on plates and quickly add Nutella which is too cold to spread unless it is applied onto still warm toast.
-I wanted cinnamon butter toast, so I added butter to the frying pan again. (Again, too cold for the butter to simply spread onto the fragile homemade bread.)
-pour this mixture onto my toast.
-start the chai because the milk by itself just doesn't taste quite right all the time, no, make that, ever. ;)
-go ahead and eat standing up because if I don't my toast will get cold.
-pour tea for everyone. Yes, everyone. The girls love it and its a great thing to love about this country.
-finally sit down to eat the rest of my toast and enjoy my chai. With my family. Around a table. Until the girls wander outside to play and Jason & I crack open our books to study for a few hours.

I've sort of fallen in love with the more simple life. I'm not sure why we call it simple... ;) but I like it. I think often about what it will be like when we go back to visit the States. Will I fall back into prepackaged foods, microwaves, etc or will I be so used to things this way that it won't matter. It's fun to think about. Until then, you can find me in the kitchen figuring out a yummy dessert to make without an oven. ;)

Random Thoughts & Observations

Just a few random thoughts and observations:

1) God's creation is BEAUTIFUL. All over the world. Breathtakingly beautiful.

2) God's favorite creation (Humankind) is lost. Many dying without ever even knowing the love of a Savior!

3) This place is surreal. Unexplainable. Unique. Fun. Difficult. Adventurous. Yet Comfortable. And Cold. Can't forget Cold.

4) Americans have a heart language too. I'm proof. Because when we worshipped God in English in church this morning, I worshipped without words, because tears were streaming down my cheeks.

5) I miss worshipping with my church family. Actually I just miss my church family. Plain and simple. But especially worshipping with them. In that heart language.

6) We feel like we are thriving in a language school setting. So, thank you, those who give to make it possible. We are getting steps and steps closer to being able to share the gospel in their heart language.

7) Fellowship tonight with like-minded new friends was refreshing. Around a guitar. With songs chosen by our two girls. As the six of us just sat and praised our God.

8) Being a parent is hard. But being a parent to a TCK is ridiculously hard. Your prayers strongly needed for wisdom, grace, mercy, compassion, love, and success through and in spite of us. And, side note, what they've done in their short 5 & 7 years far surpasses anything I could have dreamed of doing. I am so proud of them. I just hope they know what amazing little people God created them to be.

9) I love my life. When I stop in my tracks from time to time missing my "old life", the Holy Spirit reminds me that I couldn't trade it for the world. Because for right here and right now God has created me for this. And I love it.

10) When it all boils down, and the desires I have start to fade away one by one, I am reminded that the only one worthy of remaining is the desire to please Him.

And, that's what's on my heavy heart tonight. Now back to language study! :)